Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
