My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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