just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
