the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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