I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
