so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
