when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize