I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i don't like sucking hair
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
