just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
