My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
