im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
whose parrot is this?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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