Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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