3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
