woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
