I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
