I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
