At least make sure they are 18
Why
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
