i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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