He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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