I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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