No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
a search helicopter?!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
