I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
