: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize