don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
