My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i now understand why vodka
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
