I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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