i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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