I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize