I just made out with a guy for $7.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
