I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
