hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
