I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
