Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
