miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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