I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
