she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she peed on how many people?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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