Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We left an ass print on the piano.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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