i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm like, not good at living.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
