Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
