I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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