Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
