I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
