I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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