Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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