3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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