On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
