is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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