So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize