i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
