it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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