Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
