you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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