I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
