It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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