plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
