i need an iv and a liver transplant
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
