god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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