You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
