I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
