and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All I want is dick and wine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
