Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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