is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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